I can't breath

not literally.

urgh. but everything is just so suffocating. the fact that I've to make all the decisions as soon as possible.

I'm tired dammit. emotionally & mentally.

I'm going for Universiti Teknologi Petronas interview next monday & MARA scholar interview on the 18th, the day I'm supposed to be at KL. MARA will send me off to UK/US after I finish my pre-U which is pretty cool. Now, I need to ditch my KL trip for MARA interview. well, I gotta keep my priority straight right?

I don't even know if I even like engineering. what am I doing with my life? gosh. sometimes it's better to have only one or two options ya know.

laughing over my heartbreaks

so I was reading my old blog(s) and I gotta say I was a really messed up person. My love life was so complicated back then, hahahahaahah, seriously, what I wrote was really hilarious. I was like in love with 2 guys then I kind of ignore them then I didn't know who I want to choose. Then, I met a another dude. it's like a Korean drama with Malaysian style

 & I was really full of bullshits.

ahhh.. I've changed from the girl-who-can't-stop-talking-about-their-love-life to someone who just care less about that kind of stuffs. A really big transformation since the last heartbreak (which is 3 years ago), shidah. *pats head*

because sheep are cool.

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours."

contradiction & confusion

isn't it sad when what you want is contradict to what you need? when it comes down to assurance vs. passion & the decision you make affect your whole life.

you see, I've been applying for engineering for scholars & universities. But truth is, what I'm really into is photography & architecture. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to go for what I really want. Maybe I'm becoming the person I said I would never be, the person who just goes for the assurance & security. Maybe I'm too scared to try. Isn't that just sad?

then again, how do you survive the photography world? the architecture world? I'm currently hating myself for making all these excuses.

anyway, I made a plan. I'm going for chemical engineering, pursue a career as Asset Integrity Management engineering and with my stable finance, I shall open my studio someday.

All I hope is that I will always remember my dreams, who I'm and who I want to be.

*deep breath*

*exhale*

dear future shidah, please remember that someday you want to travel the world, take beautiful shots along the journey & how you wanna give to charity. and please please please remember that family is the highest priority. Insya-Allah. I will get through this.

 from my favourite author: John Green, Looking For Alaska. 

I shall escape from the labyrinth one day//

In the middle between knowing you need to say goodbye and actually doing so.

I wish I could just say "please stay." and you would actually stay. but we all know it doesn't work that way.

I'm leaving soon too. tell me, which hurts most? the one who is leaving or the one who is left behind. In the end both needs to do the walking-away right?

I've always hated farewells. I cried over it secretly and without any sounds. sometimes, all we need to do is put on the expressionless face, hold on and let it out when we are alone.

After saying goodbye you started to be okay again. then comes the "hello" all over again. In time, you realized you hate the "hello" too because eventually it will all lead us to "goodbye"

and then you get used to it which is kinda cool too. it's either detachment or acceptance.

"Love requires some falling and she's afraid of heights"

a beautiful quote.

Something about it

 There's something about being awake alone late at night.

Like how my mind is running from one thing to another, from the big picture to small details. Like how I started to reminisce all these memories & then realized how certain seem-to-be-insignificant moments turns out to be utterly significant now. I love how quite the night is while how loud my mind is. I just love the fact that I could read my books & get drown into it without any disturbance.

it's more like I'm alone with myself but never lonely.

time

it's almost 2AM and I'm having a serious headache but I just cannot sleep yet. too many stuffs bugging me. well, mainly about college/universities. ahhhh... I'm eager but pretty terrified as well. imagine this whole new life, starting from scratch & getting the chance to reinvent yourself again.

haha. so spm result? 9As. syukur alhamdullilah. I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping for a better result but HEY I know this is the best for me. God knows better. hehe.

I don't even know what tittle. looooool, k the cliche one - 'sahabat' -

Lidahku kelu, mindaku kaku dan perasaanku haru,

Apabila kenyataan terpaksa ditelan,

Inilah realiti yang harus dihadapi setiap sahabat,

Lalu aku mula sedar tentang wujudnya perpisahan.

Jatuh bangun dan gembira gusar kami bersama,

Adakalanya dengan cara aneh sekali,

Kami sedar seringkali kami tidak difahami dunia luaran,

Namun aku berasa selesa begitu

-dengan wujudnya jaminan

-dengan adanya keikhlasan

aku tidak pasti jika aku mampu tangani,

melihat masing-masing kita beredar pergi lalu menjauhi,

aku hanya mampu berharap ia sekadar ilusi,

tapi jarak fizikal mampu membutakan minda dan hati.

Namun aku harap ini janji kita pegang bersama,

Untuk kekal bersahabat biarpun jauh beribu batunya,

Mungkin sukar untuk menuntut keakraban yang pernah ada,

Lantas aku hanya memohon untuk memori ini sentiasa berada

-di mindamu

-di hatimu

-sebahagian darimu.

Aku di sini berharap kamu percayalah,

Kamu telah menyelamatkan aku dari kekalutan,

Lantas membawa aku kepada keriuhan,

Yang jelas membuat aku lebih mencintai kehidupan. 

Highschool is over and each one of us will go separate ways soon. I thank god that our path crossed and I wish we'll stick with each other. This poem is not only dedicated to my 10 sempolahs but as well as those who are facing the same damn thing. haha.

I'm gonna miss us.

18th Birthday. Blessed!

I get 2 birthday cakes this year yaww. two surprise cakes! one from my fellow sempolahs, it was 2 days before my birthday. Another one was from Nabilah Johan, she came so early in the morning I hadn't even bathed at that time. haha. Spent my 24th January with Sulina. It was nice, we went to places and catching up.

My 18th has become so meaningful because of them, the texts, calls, face-to-face wishes, tweets, fb inbox the wall posts. not forgotten those precious gifts.

Ahhh.. life is great. I feel truly blessed. Syukur Alhamdullilah.